My Story
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, the one true God and Saviour of the world. He gave His life for me and forgave me of my sin and adopted me as His very own (Romans 8:15). By His grace, I will serve Him alone, all the days of my life.
Before I met Jesus my life was a complete mess. I was living selfishly, serving myself and fulfilling the lusts of my flesh. I did what I wanted, when I wanted without any consideration to other’s feelings or to the One I was ultimatly accountable to (Heb.9:27). I was something of a wild stalion, a so-called “free spirit” who would not listen to anyone.
The Wild Stalion and the Cowboy
A very wise man once told me this story; there was once two wild horses who lived in the country side together, they were free to run through the wild and go and do whatever they wished. One day some wranglers came and captured one of the horses and brought him into thier ranch. They put him behind a fence during the day and in a barn during the night. They eventually put a saddle and a bridle on him and broke him so he could be ridden by the cowboy. It happened that the second wild stalion would come by everyday to mock the stalion that was captured. He would gallop by the fence, rearing up on his hind legs taunting the captured horse with his freedom. Everyday he would watch and laugh as the captured horse was fed, brushed, led and ridden by the cowboy. He soon started to notice however, that the captured horse and the cowboy were becoming the best of friends. He noticed how the cowboy loved the captured horse and would care for him and talk with him. The wild stalion began taunting even more and showing off his “freedom” ever more aggresively. But at night, when the wild stalion was all alone in the wild, he would weep because of his loneliness. You see, he had everything he thought he wanted, the wild, the space to run, the freedom to go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but he did not have relationship, friendship or love. The “freedom” he had was not freedom at all, but a prison of his own independence and rebellion (Matt. 11:31).
You see, some people look at God the way the wild stallion looked at the cowboy. They see Him as a task master that wants to take away thier freedom. I was just like that wild stallion before I met Jesus and made Him the Lord and Saviour of my life. He cannot be saviour only, He needs to be Lord. He alone gives true freedom (2Cor.3:17). He desires to have relationship with us. He wants us to yeild to Him and to trust His will for our lives (Mat.6:10). What good was I to anyone living for myself and my own selfish desires? To what benefit was all my rebellion and anit-anythingness? I was so lonely, depression began to have it’s hold on me. I would wonder and think what purpose was to my life? What was the meaning of my life (Eccl.1:2)? I had no purpose, no real intimate relationships. I was so depressed and so desperate to know truth. I had heard of Jesus from very special people in my life, my family and some close friends (Rom.10:17). I remember wishing “if only all this stuff about Jesus were true”. I began praying to a “higher power”. I would pray, God, if Jesus and You are real, than I want to know you. I would pray and ask Him (Mat.7:7-8), whoever He was, to reveal Himself to me. I looked for Him everywhere, in different religions, in drink and drugs, in different spiritual experiences and anything that I thought was real truth. During this season of praying and searching, a christian book about the life of a christian musician named Keith Green came across my path. I began reading in this book about how Keith prayed to a “higher power” for truth and how he had encounters with Jesus Christ where Jesus revealed Himself to him as God, the truth he was searching for (John 14:6). I began to hunger for my own revelation of this truth and it came one night as I was reading the book.
A Vision of Hope
I was reading late at night, around 1:30am. I did not fall asleep. As I was reading, I had an open vision (Joel 2:28, 2 Cor.12:2). I found myself suddenly out of my room, out of my house and in a place I had never seen before. It was a very dark, dark place. There was no light anywhere, so I could not see where I was or what was going on. I soon realized that I was not alone, in fact, there were thousands of people there with me. So many of us that we were shoulder to shoulder with no room to move about. It reminded me of a great mosh pit that you would see at a rock concert. With so many people you could not move an inch and you were getting bumped and jostled by the crowd. Suddenly, terror overcame me as I began to hear the sound of thousands of people screaming in the distance. I knew that in the distance, there was a great crack in the earth that went down to a pit and that people were falling into this pit and screaming. Because of the crowd you could not move and we were all being pushed in the direction of this pit. I was overcome with fear and panic as I tried to no avail to get out of this crowd. I could not and I was headed closer and closer to the pit. I thought I was going to die. I have never been so afraid in my entire life, even until now. This was really happening, I can’t explain it to you, but it was more real than anything I have ever experienced in life. And I remind you, this was not a dream, I was actually experiencing this in reality. I frantically kept trying to get out. As I looked over my shoulder, there about 20 feet from me was a man walking out of the crowd. It was as if no-one could see Him, but they moved for Him, making a path before Him so He could walk out and away from the pit. I knew He was my only hope, if only I could get close enough behind Him that I could follow, before the crowd closed in again (John 1:1-5, Ps.119:105). So, with all of the strength I could muster, I somehow was able to do just that. I began following Him out of the pit and I noticed now that He was carrying a small child in His arms. I followed as we made our way out of the crowd and came to a beautiful green hill. It was no longer dark and I longer felt gripped by terror. The sun was just coming up behind the hill, so you could see the rays, like at sunrise. When the man was half way up the hill, the child He was carrying turned into a lamb. I thought that was odd, but I kept following. When He got to the top of the hill, it was as if He knew I was there behind Him and He turned around to look at me. As He turned, right when I would have seen His face (Mat.17:2), there was a magnificant, bright light that seemed to shine and overtake everything in it’s path, including me. I was overcome by this light as it penetrated into the deepest parts of my being, washing me with warmth and love. Real love, I cannot even to this day describe what I felt except to say that it was the most awesome sense of power, love, awe, fear and acceptance all at the same time. It was wonderfully overwhelming. I was suddenly dropped back into my bed inside my room, landing on my bed with a “thud”. I began to weep as I felt a great weight being lifted off of my shoulders. This weight came from the bottom of my feet, up through my body and I felt it leave from my shoulders. I wept and wept and wept uncontrollably. I had been forgiven and cleansed by this light (John 1:9, Acts 9:3-9). I began repenting for every sin I had ever committed, it was as if there were no time for this moment because my whole life was before me, every sin, every choice to disobey God, and I was aware of it all as I repented and wept. I became a new creation in that moment, with a brand new life ahead of me (2 Cor. 5:17). This experience happened November of 2005.
Before I met Jesus my life was a complete mess. I was living selfishly, serving myself and fulfilling the lusts of my flesh. I did what I wanted, when I wanted without any consideration to other’s feelings or to the One I was ultimatly accountable to (Heb.9:27). I was something of a wild stalion, a so-called “free spirit” who would not listen to anyone.
The Wild Stalion and the Cowboy
A very wise man once told me this story; there was once two wild horses who lived in the country side together, they were free to run through the wild and go and do whatever they wished. One day some wranglers came and captured one of the horses and brought him into thier ranch. They put him behind a fence during the day and in a barn during the night. They eventually put a saddle and a bridle on him and broke him so he could be ridden by the cowboy. It happened that the second wild stalion would come by everyday to mock the stalion that was captured. He would gallop by the fence, rearing up on his hind legs taunting the captured horse with his freedom. Everyday he would watch and laugh as the captured horse was fed, brushed, led and ridden by the cowboy. He soon started to notice however, that the captured horse and the cowboy were becoming the best of friends. He noticed how the cowboy loved the captured horse and would care for him and talk with him. The wild stalion began taunting even more and showing off his “freedom” ever more aggresively. But at night, when the wild stalion was all alone in the wild, he would weep because of his loneliness. You see, he had everything he thought he wanted, the wild, the space to run, the freedom to go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, but he did not have relationship, friendship or love. The “freedom” he had was not freedom at all, but a prison of his own independence and rebellion (Matt. 11:31).
You see, some people look at God the way the wild stallion looked at the cowboy. They see Him as a task master that wants to take away thier freedom. I was just like that wild stallion before I met Jesus and made Him the Lord and Saviour of my life. He cannot be saviour only, He needs to be Lord. He alone gives true freedom (2Cor.3:17). He desires to have relationship with us. He wants us to yeild to Him and to trust His will for our lives (Mat.6:10). What good was I to anyone living for myself and my own selfish desires? To what benefit was all my rebellion and anit-anythingness? I was so lonely, depression began to have it’s hold on me. I would wonder and think what purpose was to my life? What was the meaning of my life (Eccl.1:2)? I had no purpose, no real intimate relationships. I was so depressed and so desperate to know truth. I had heard of Jesus from very special people in my life, my family and some close friends (Rom.10:17). I remember wishing “if only all this stuff about Jesus were true”. I began praying to a “higher power”. I would pray, God, if Jesus and You are real, than I want to know you. I would pray and ask Him (Mat.7:7-8), whoever He was, to reveal Himself to me. I looked for Him everywhere, in different religions, in drink and drugs, in different spiritual experiences and anything that I thought was real truth. During this season of praying and searching, a christian book about the life of a christian musician named Keith Green came across my path. I began reading in this book about how Keith prayed to a “higher power” for truth and how he had encounters with Jesus Christ where Jesus revealed Himself to him as God, the truth he was searching for (John 14:6). I began to hunger for my own revelation of this truth and it came one night as I was reading the book.
A Vision of Hope
I was reading late at night, around 1:30am. I did not fall asleep. As I was reading, I had an open vision (Joel 2:28, 2 Cor.12:2). I found myself suddenly out of my room, out of my house and in a place I had never seen before. It was a very dark, dark place. There was no light anywhere, so I could not see where I was or what was going on. I soon realized that I was not alone, in fact, there were thousands of people there with me. So many of us that we were shoulder to shoulder with no room to move about. It reminded me of a great mosh pit that you would see at a rock concert. With so many people you could not move an inch and you were getting bumped and jostled by the crowd. Suddenly, terror overcame me as I began to hear the sound of thousands of people screaming in the distance. I knew that in the distance, there was a great crack in the earth that went down to a pit and that people were falling into this pit and screaming. Because of the crowd you could not move and we were all being pushed in the direction of this pit. I was overcome with fear and panic as I tried to no avail to get out of this crowd. I could not and I was headed closer and closer to the pit. I thought I was going to die. I have never been so afraid in my entire life, even until now. This was really happening, I can’t explain it to you, but it was more real than anything I have ever experienced in life. And I remind you, this was not a dream, I was actually experiencing this in reality. I frantically kept trying to get out. As I looked over my shoulder, there about 20 feet from me was a man walking out of the crowd. It was as if no-one could see Him, but they moved for Him, making a path before Him so He could walk out and away from the pit. I knew He was my only hope, if only I could get close enough behind Him that I could follow, before the crowd closed in again (John 1:1-5, Ps.119:105). So, with all of the strength I could muster, I somehow was able to do just that. I began following Him out of the pit and I noticed now that He was carrying a small child in His arms. I followed as we made our way out of the crowd and came to a beautiful green hill. It was no longer dark and I longer felt gripped by terror. The sun was just coming up behind the hill, so you could see the rays, like at sunrise. When the man was half way up the hill, the child He was carrying turned into a lamb. I thought that was odd, but I kept following. When He got to the top of the hill, it was as if He knew I was there behind Him and He turned around to look at me. As He turned, right when I would have seen His face (Mat.17:2), there was a magnificant, bright light that seemed to shine and overtake everything in it’s path, including me. I was overcome by this light as it penetrated into the deepest parts of my being, washing me with warmth and love. Real love, I cannot even to this day describe what I felt except to say that it was the most awesome sense of power, love, awe, fear and acceptance all at the same time. It was wonderfully overwhelming. I was suddenly dropped back into my bed inside my room, landing on my bed with a “thud”. I began to weep as I felt a great weight being lifted off of my shoulders. This weight came from the bottom of my feet, up through my body and I felt it leave from my shoulders. I wept and wept and wept uncontrollably. I had been forgiven and cleansed by this light (John 1:9, Acts 9:3-9). I began repenting for every sin I had ever committed, it was as if there were no time for this moment because my whole life was before me, every sin, every choice to disobey God, and I was aware of it all as I repented and wept. I became a new creation in that moment, with a brand new life ahead of me (2 Cor. 5:17). This experience happened November of 2005.
Mexico
Fast forward now to 2005. I did a program called WILD (White Water Intensive Leadership Development), to be trained for 3 months to become a professional raft guide and Kayak instructor. At this point in my life I had settled that I wanted to work in the outdoor adventure industry as my career and even had plans to one day start my own business. As part of the program, I was required to take a WFR course to become a certified Wilderness First Responder (Wilderness first aid). The class was a week long at the beginning of September. During this class I met a man from Toronto who was also taking WFR. He, I found out later on in the week, was a “church planter” from Toronto. (I have to admit, I had no idea what a “church planter” was). He was a born again christian minister and was taking WFR because of all the work he was doing oversees. We got talking during the week and spent many hours in deep conversation about God and truth and the very things I was searching for in life. When the week came to an end and it was time for him to go back to Toronto, he asked myself and 2 friends if he could pray for us and share with us what God was saying. Amazingly, what he shared with us about our lives was exactly what was going on! He could have no way of knowing the things he knew unless God had showed them to him. He also gave me his business card with the address to his church and invited me to come for a visit if I was ever in Toronto. I politely took the card however, I had no intention of ever going, or being back in Toronto for that matter. He went home and I finished off the WILD program which was another 3 months.
Just over three months later I was finished WILD and working in Hualulco, Mexico. Some friends and I had rented a house near the beach and were to spend the rest of the winter working in Mexico, than back to Ottawa for the the spring and summer. That was my plan, but God had another plan that completely took me by surprise late one night as I sat in bed writing in my journal. Everyone else in the house was gone to the bar but for some reason I stayed home. It was about 2-3am. As I was sitting on my bed writing, thinking, I heard a voice speak to me. Let me stop here for a moment, this voice was so clear, so unlike any I had heard before, so profound that I was stopped dead in my tracks. It was not my own thought or imagination, it was as if there was someone else there with me that was speaking right into my mind with such clarity I was scared to move or look about the room. This is what this voice spoke to me “Esther, I want you to Quit your job now, go to Toronto and contact the man who gave you his church’s business card”. I thought I was going crazy! After I realized wait a minute, no one else is here in this room, I must be hearing things, I shook it off and continued trying to write. Again, I heard the same thing and again I tried to shake it off. Again, a third time, I heard the same thing. I couldn’t shake it, God was really talking to me! I thought but God, what do You mean “now”? Don’t you know I will be working here in Mexico for another 4-5 months, I can’t go to Toronto. But I could not shake the urgency that was now in my spirit to obey what God had said. When my friend James came home that night, I shared with him what had happened and he suggested we both pray seprately the next day and see if God would show both of us the same thing again. We did this and we both felt that I was to go now. As one more test to make really sure, we both emailed home for prayer and wisdom. He had an older friend who was a christian that he emailed and I emailed the “church planter", I still have their replies. Both of them said almost exactly the same thing, that yes, Esther should obey and go to Toronto now. So that settled it.
Two days later, after explaining to my boss and saying good-bye, I was on a Grey Hound bus bound for Toronto. James had to sell his paddle for $250 to buy my ticket (thanks James) so I could even make it to Toronto. I spent 5 very interesting days transferring from bus to bus as I travelled from city to city through Mexico, USA and finally home to Toronto. This bus trip was a story itself but I’ll tell you about that another time.
So, here I was, back home in Toronto, the last place on earth I wanted to be. I contacted Joseph and went to his church in Jane/Finch, Toronto (I had never heard about Jane and Finch before) where to my surprise, everyone was expecting me. All the church members welcomed me and told me that they had been praying for me since September! Wow, I had never experienced the love of God like this before, it was magnetic, I wanted to know God like these people. Through the leading of the Holy Spirit I kept going back each week, soaking up the word of God and learning as much as I could about him and about the bible. God brought me to Toronto because He has a plan for my life that I had no clue about. It was because of His mercy and clear intervention in my life and by His grace to obey what He told me, that I have the honour to be apart of His vision for Canada and any nation He sends me to. I am honoured, I am so grateful, everything I was looking for He gave me and more. I feel as though I am just getting started, I know He has great things in store for me and He has great things in store for you too. Obey His word and His voice and he will not lead you astray. He is worthy to be trusted and He has great plans for you life and mine. I pray that as you read this, you were moved to seek God, to encounter Him in your life and to allow Him to lead you into your future. One thing I was told as I searched for the TRUTH was, “Esther, pray that God would give you a revelation of the cross of Jesus Christ”, I had no clue what that meant, but I obeyed and prayed that every night for about 7 months. After 7 months of praying that, God did give me a revelation of the cross and it changed my life forever. I saw Jesus on the cross before me, and I was holding the hammer that had put the nails into his hands and feet. I saw Him there, with the wounds on his body that I had wounded him with and He looked into my eyes with such love and said “It is finished, you are forgiven”. I fell flat on my face and wept and wept until I could weep no more. Jesus loves you so much friend. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and He will (Matt. 7:7-12). Thank you for reading this, I love you and pray God will bless you.
In Christ,
Esther Bovenberg
Just over three months later I was finished WILD and working in Hualulco, Mexico. Some friends and I had rented a house near the beach and were to spend the rest of the winter working in Mexico, than back to Ottawa for the the spring and summer. That was my plan, but God had another plan that completely took me by surprise late one night as I sat in bed writing in my journal. Everyone else in the house was gone to the bar but for some reason I stayed home. It was about 2-3am. As I was sitting on my bed writing, thinking, I heard a voice speak to me. Let me stop here for a moment, this voice was so clear, so unlike any I had heard before, so profound that I was stopped dead in my tracks. It was not my own thought or imagination, it was as if there was someone else there with me that was speaking right into my mind with such clarity I was scared to move or look about the room. This is what this voice spoke to me “Esther, I want you to Quit your job now, go to Toronto and contact the man who gave you his church’s business card”. I thought I was going crazy! After I realized wait a minute, no one else is here in this room, I must be hearing things, I shook it off and continued trying to write. Again, I heard the same thing and again I tried to shake it off. Again, a third time, I heard the same thing. I couldn’t shake it, God was really talking to me! I thought but God, what do You mean “now”? Don’t you know I will be working here in Mexico for another 4-5 months, I can’t go to Toronto. But I could not shake the urgency that was now in my spirit to obey what God had said. When my friend James came home that night, I shared with him what had happened and he suggested we both pray seprately the next day and see if God would show both of us the same thing again. We did this and we both felt that I was to go now. As one more test to make really sure, we both emailed home for prayer and wisdom. He had an older friend who was a christian that he emailed and I emailed the “church planter", I still have their replies. Both of them said almost exactly the same thing, that yes, Esther should obey and go to Toronto now. So that settled it.
Two days later, after explaining to my boss and saying good-bye, I was on a Grey Hound bus bound for Toronto. James had to sell his paddle for $250 to buy my ticket (thanks James) so I could even make it to Toronto. I spent 5 very interesting days transferring from bus to bus as I travelled from city to city through Mexico, USA and finally home to Toronto. This bus trip was a story itself but I’ll tell you about that another time.
So, here I was, back home in Toronto, the last place on earth I wanted to be. I contacted Joseph and went to his church in Jane/Finch, Toronto (I had never heard about Jane and Finch before) where to my surprise, everyone was expecting me. All the church members welcomed me and told me that they had been praying for me since September! Wow, I had never experienced the love of God like this before, it was magnetic, I wanted to know God like these people. Through the leading of the Holy Spirit I kept going back each week, soaking up the word of God and learning as much as I could about him and about the bible. God brought me to Toronto because He has a plan for my life that I had no clue about. It was because of His mercy and clear intervention in my life and by His grace to obey what He told me, that I have the honour to be apart of His vision for Canada and any nation He sends me to. I am honoured, I am so grateful, everything I was looking for He gave me and more. I feel as though I am just getting started, I know He has great things in store for me and He has great things in store for you too. Obey His word and His voice and he will not lead you astray. He is worthy to be trusted and He has great plans for you life and mine. I pray that as you read this, you were moved to seek God, to encounter Him in your life and to allow Him to lead you into your future. One thing I was told as I searched for the TRUTH was, “Esther, pray that God would give you a revelation of the cross of Jesus Christ”, I had no clue what that meant, but I obeyed and prayed that every night for about 7 months. After 7 months of praying that, God did give me a revelation of the cross and it changed my life forever. I saw Jesus on the cross before me, and I was holding the hammer that had put the nails into his hands and feet. I saw Him there, with the wounds on his body that I had wounded him with and He looked into my eyes with such love and said “It is finished, you are forgiven”. I fell flat on my face and wept and wept until I could weep no more. Jesus loves you so much friend. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and He will (Matt. 7:7-12). Thank you for reading this, I love you and pray God will bless you.
In Christ,
Esther Bovenberg